i don't think i've ever had a single conversation with a person my age that wasn't completely superficial or done just because i needed to. it's like when i turned 18 a whole world opened up in front of me and i knew no way of dealing with it so i just shut myself in my room and continued to play games forever. i know i should probably be doing something but i don't know how to do anything but infinitely postpone it. i can't do it in real life and if i wanted to do it online i would have to go to tiktok and shitsword servers which i can't do. i feel intense fear at having a conversation unanonymously where i would have an obligation to keep replying and be nice to the other person. that's how far gone i am. i really don't want to talk to anybody but at the same time i really want to and this is what keeps me in my room. i just want to go back to being a kid again.